The Onion Daily News

2019-02-21 00:33:29

‘We Will Not Repeat The Mistakes Of The 2016 Election,’ Vows Nation Still Using Internet

WASHINGTON—Promising that they had learned their lesson and would not fall into the same traps they did in the last presidential election cycle, the U.S. populace vowed Wednesday not to repeat the errors of 2016, while, at the same time, nearly every American voter continued to use the internet. “We’re not going to… Read more...

Read more at: https://politics.theonion.com/we-will-not-repeat-the-mistakes-of-the-2016-election-1832763775

#humor #satire #news #theonion

‘We Will Not Repeat The Mistakes Of The 2016 Election,’ Vows Nation Still Using Internet

WASHINGTON—Promising that they had learned their lesson and would not fall into the same traps they did in the last presidential election cycle, the U.S. populace vowed Wednesday not to repeat the errors of 2016, while, at the same time, nearly every American voter continued to use the internet. “We’re not going to make those mistakes again—not in 2020, not ever,” said Cleveland resident Jerry Van Buskirk, one of 328 million U.S. residents who still spends hours each day scrolling through various social media platforms and consuming either news tailored by algorithms to magnify his pre-existing biases or outright disinformation aimed at duping him. “We refuse to allow a clickbait-driven journalism industry that privileges scandal and controversy over facts and nuance to shape our discourse. Our democracy is too important.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation had taken to social media to spread its message.

^{politics.theonion.com}

The Onion Daily News

2018-08-01 23:33:22

Facebook Identifies Dozens Of Suspicious Accounts Seemingly Enjoying Time On Website

MENLO PARK, CA—Finally homing in on a lead in their ongoing investigation into potentially fraudulent accounts, Facebook reported Wednesday the identification of dozens of suspicious accounts belonging to people who seem to enjoy their time on the website. “We discovered a small but significant number of registered… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/facebook-identifies-dozens-of-suspicious-accounts-seemi-1828031512

#humor #satire #news #theonion

Facebook Identifies Dozens Of Suspicious Accounts Seemingly Enjoying Time On Website

MENLO PARK, CA—Finally homing in on a lead in their ongoing investigation into potentially fraudulent accounts, Facebook reported Wednesday the identification of dozens of suspicious accounts belonging to people who seem to enjoy their time on the website. “We discovered a small but significant number of registered users who appeared not only to be using the site for multiple hours each week, but also having a nice time communicating with friends and family members while logged in—all of which jumped out at us right away as a huge red flag,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, describing the dozens of accounts suspiciously linked to civil and even friendly online interactions within a small but tight-knit group of users, all of whom were reportedly close acquaintances in real life. “Thankfully, this bizarre activity was extremely limited and represents only a tiny sliver of our overall online engagement. We can confirm the overwhelming majority of accounts still belong to normal, miserable people who absolutely despise our platform but use it anyway.” Zuckerberg also announced a new site-wide policy for the automatic termination of any account that appears to demonstrate any signs of human joy whatsoever.

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