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Items tagged with: satire


 

Michael Avenatti Arrested For Attempted Extortion Of Nike For $20 Million


Michael Avenatti, former attorney for adult film star Stormy Daniels, was accused this week of a $20 million extortion scheme against Nike. What do you think? Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/michael-avenatti-arrested-for-attempted-extortion-of-ni-1833586044

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Embarrassed Comcast CEO Just Tells People He Does Digital Media Stuff


PHILADELPHIA—Saying he is always too embarrassed to get into the specifics of what he actually does for a living, Comcast CEO Brian Roberts confided to reporters Tuesday that whenever he is asked about his job, he just says he does digital media stuff. “It’s honestly pretty boring, so I usually tell people I work at a… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/embarrassed-comcast-ceo-just-tells-people-he-does-digit-1833586219

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

U.S. Army Now Just Chasing Single Remaining ISIS Soldier Around Ruins Of Syrian Village


BAGHUZ, SYRIA—In an effort to track down and eliminate the last militant staking claim to a caliphate in the region, American-backed coalition forces confirmed Monday they were chasing a single remaining ISIS soldier around the ruins of a small village in Syria. “This cagey individual has been using all kinds of… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/u-s-army-now-just-chasing-single-remaining-isis-soldie-1833579619

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Liberal Feels Like Idiot For Placing Entirety Of Hopes On Mueller Probe Instead Of New York Prosecutors’ Investigation


MORENO VALLEY, CA—Kicking himself for focusing all his energy on the wrong thing, local liberal Brian Whitmore reportedly felt like an idiot Tuesday for placing the entirety of his hopes on Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s probe into President Trump instead of the New York state prosecutors’ investigation. “I can’t… Read more...

Read more at: https://local.theonion.com/liberal-feels-like-idiot-for-placing-entirety-of-hopes-1833580010

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

España solo se disculpará por la conquista de México si ellos piden perdón por los mariachis | El Mundo Today


“Los conquistadores españoles mataron a sus hombres, violaron a sus mujeres y se llevaron gran parte de su riqueza, pero jamás irrumpieron en un restaurante chillando y tocando guitarras y trompetas”, ha expresado la diplomacia española ante el desafío mexicano. “La Batalla de Centla fue dramática, pero no es comparable al horror que se vive con la canción Cielito lindo”, explica la Casa Real en su respuesta.

Se violan más derechos humanos en tres canciones de un grupo de mariachis que en siglos de ocupación”, insisten desde La Moncloa.
#Méxco #Mexico #Spain #Espana #Music #Musica #Mariachi #HernánCortes #Cortez #Cortes #Conquistadores #History #Historia #News #Satire #Politics #Policia #Sanchez #PedroSanchez #Moncloa
España solo se disculpará por la conquista de México si ellos piden perdón por los mariachis


 

Google Announces Gaming Platform Called Stadia


Google has announced Stadia, a gaming platform and controller that they claim will provide better-than-console quality graphics to web browsers through high-quality streaming. What do you think? Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/google-announces-gaming-platform-called-stadia-1833543237

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

‘Apex Legends’ Players Finally Getting Good Enough To Make Game Impossible For Average People To Enjoy


BRANFORD, CT—After countless hours memorizing the map, familiarizing themselves with the various weapons, and refining tactics for all character mixes, the skill of top Apex Legends players reached the point this week where the game is impossible for average people to enjoy. “It’s really gratifying that I’m good… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/apex-legends-players-finally-getting-good-enough-to-m-1833543104

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

William Barr Declares Mueller Investigation Fully Exonerates Members Of Reagan Administration From Iran-Contra Involvement


WASHINGTON—Following the completion of the special counsel’s 22-month probe, Attorney General William P. Barr declared Monday that Robert Mueller’s investigation fully exonerates all members of Ronald Reagan’s presidential administration from involvement in the Iran–Contra affair. “I’ve reviewed Mr. Mueller’s findings… Read more...

Read more at: https://politics.theonion.com/william-barr-declares-mueller-investigation-fully-exone-1833556900

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Mueller Finds No Evidence Of Trump–Russia Conspiracy, Attorney General Says


While stopping short of a full exoneration, Robert Mueller’s investigation found no evidence of collusion between the president and Russia in the 2016 election, according to a summary from Attorney General William Barr. What do you think? Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/mueller-finds-no-evidence-of-trump-russia-conspiracy-a-1833553936

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Man Who Spent Last 2 Years Drawing Pictures Of Trump And Putin Making Out Beginning To Realize Just How Wrong He’s Been


BOULDER, CO—Admitting he now felt “a bit foolish,” 34-year-old local artist Austin Vermillion was reportedly beginning to realize Monday just how wrong he’s been after spending the last two years drawing pictures of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin making out. “In light of the release of the Attorney General’s summary… Read more...

Read more at: https://local.theonion.com/man-who-spent-last-2-years-drawing-pictures-of-trump-an-1833557224

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Compassionate Trump Issues Full Presidential Pardon For Robert Mueller


WASHINGTON—Exercising his powers of clemency for the first time since taking office, President Trump compassionately issued a full presidential pardon Monday for former Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller that cleared him of any wrongdoing. “Today, under my authority as president of the United States, I hereby grant a… Read more...

Read more at: https://politics.theonion.com/compassionate-trump-issues-full-presidential-pardon-for-1833558678

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Retiring Rob Gronkowski Admits He’ll Miss Teammates’ Blurry Faces, Fans Spinning Perpetually In The Stands


FOXBORO, MA—In an emotional speech announcing his retirement after a nine-year NFL career with the New England Patriots, Rob Gronkowski reportedly admitted Monday that he’ll miss his teammates’ blurry faces and the fans spinning perpetually in the stands. “It’s really hard to know that I’ll never again stumble off the… Read more...

Read more at: https://sports.theonion.com/retiring-rob-gronkowski-admits-he-ll-miss-teammates-bl-1833546974

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Biggest Drug Busts In U.S. History


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Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/biggest-drug-busts-in-u-s-history-1833435169

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

One Million Pounds Of Pork Seized At New Jersey Port


Federal agents seized 1 million pounds of pork products at a New Jersey port in the largest agricultural bust in U.S. history. What do you think? Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/one-million-pounds-of-pork-seized-at-new-jersey-port-1833435335

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Tips For Quitting Juul


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Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/tips-for-quitting-juul-1833463025

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Arctic Locked In To Warm 9 Degrees By End Of Century


A United Nations report revealed that even if carbon pollution stopped tomorrow, the region’s winters would warm by 9 degrees Fahrenheit by 2100. What do you think? Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/arctic-locked-in-to-warm-9-degrees-by-end-of-century-1833463357

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

None Of Mom’s Clothes Can Be Cleaned Using Washing Machine


MEQUON, WI—Taken aback by their mother’s high-maintenance wardrobe, household sources confirmed Thursday that none of Bianca Dern’s clothes can be simply placed in a standard washing machine for cleaning. “Mom won’t even let me touch any of her laundry. I’ve tried to help out, but everything needs to be washed… Read more...

Read more at: https://local.theonion.com/none-of-mom-s-clothes-can-be-cleaned-using-washing-mach-1833464217

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Pros And Cons Of Breaking Up The Big Tech Companies


A recent proposal by Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren to break up big tech companies like Apple, Google, and Amazon has revived debate over whether they have too much power. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of breaking up the big tech companies. Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-breaking-up-the-big-tech-companies-1833491881

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

MTA Unveils New Designated Seating For Commuters Who Look Like They’re About To Snap


NEW YORK—In a move touted as a major victory for the rights of New Yorker public transportation passengers who are this close to fucking losing it, the Metropolitan Transit Authority unveiled a new designated seating system Friday designed to accommodate commuters who seem to be just about to snap. “For too many… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/mta-unveils-new-designated-seating-for-commuters-who-lo-1833498262

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Myspace Loses All Content From Before 2016


Due to an alleged server error, social network Myspace has lost millions of photos, videos, and songs published on the website before 2016. What do you think? Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/myspace-loses-all-content-from-before-2016-1833498308

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Study Reveals That Girls Who Play Princess Grow Up With Skewed Perceptions Of The Role Of Modern Monarchy In A Democratic Society


NEW YORK—Shedding new light on the environmental factors influencing women’s views of royal privilege and responsibility, a study released Friday by New York University’s Department of Psychology found that the majority of girls who play princess develop skewed and possibly unrealistic perceptions of the role of the… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/study-reveals-that-girls-who-play-princess-grow-up-with-1833498174

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Woodstock 50 Announces Lineup


The 50th anniversary concert of Woodstock announced its lineup this week, including headliners The Killers, Dead & Company, and Jay-Z as taking part in a commemoration of the historic ’60s concert. What do you think? Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/woodstock-50-announces-lineup-1833501926

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Serta Wholesaler Lets Customers Cut Their Own Length Of Mattress


HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—In an effort to eliminate the middleman and sell directly to the public, a new Serta wholesaler that opened Friday reportedly allows customers to select and cut their own lengths of mattresses. “I like that I have the flexibility to get just the amount I want instead of being confined to the… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/serta-wholesaler-lets-customers-cut-their-own-length-of-1833501957

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Zion Williamson In Panic After Realizing Game Falls On Same Night As Theater Club Production


COLUMBIA, SC—Frantically pacing and weighing the fallout of skipping the game, Duke forward Zion Williamson was panicking Friday after realizing his NCAA tournament game against North Dakota State falls on the same night as his theater club’s production of In The Heights . “Oh man, oh man, I can’t believe this is… Read more...

Read more at: https://sports.theonion.com/zion-williamson-in-panic-after-realizing-game-falls-on-1833493330

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Experts Caution New Car Loses 90% Of Value As Soon As You Drive It Off Cliff


HEATHROW, FL—Warning consumers of the hidden pitfalls of vehicle depreciation, experts from the American Automobile Association cautioned Thursday that the average new car loses 90 percent of the original sticker price as soon as you drive it off a cliff. “It’s important buyers be aware that when they purchase a… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/experts-caution-new-car-loses-90-of-value-as-soon-as-y-1833472139

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Coachella Unveils Premium VIP Areas Where Fans Will Be Able To See, Hear Bands


INDIO, CA—Touting the tickets as offering the best experience for fans of the music festival, Coachella organizers on Thursday reportedly unveiled premium VIP areas where fans will be able to see and hear the bands. “For just $1,299, our special VIP passes give festival attendees parking, admission to the campground,… Read more...

Read more at: https://entertainment.theonion.com/coachella-unveils-premium-vip-areas-where-fans-will-be-1833469831

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Trump Backs Release Of Mueller Report


While fielding questions from journalists, President Trump stated that he looks forward to the release of the investigation into the 2016 election, saying, “Let it come out. Let people see it—that’s up to the attorney general.” What do you think? Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/trump-backs-release-of-mueller-report-1833476129

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Trump Ramps Up Attacks On John McCain By Dragging Senator’s Exhumed Corpse Behind Motorcade


WASHINGTON—Doubling down on his criticism of the departed lawmaker in the face of bipartisan condemnation, President Trump ramped up his attacks Thursday against the late John McCain by exhuming the senator’s corpse and dragging it behind his presidential motorcade. “I’m having some trouble understanding the strategy… Read more...

Read more at: https://politics.theonion.com/trump-ramps-up-attacks-on-john-mccain-by-dragging-senat-1833472791

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Biden Pulls Off Dusty Tarp Covering Old Campaign Motorcycle


WASHINGTON—Saying it was time to “get out the hog for one last ride,” former Vice President Joe Biden pulled the dusty painter’s tarp off of his old campaign motorcycle Wednesday, gently running his hand along the polished chrome headlight and muttering “welcome back, baby.” Read more...

Read more at: https://politics.theonion.com/biden-pulls-off-dusty-tarp-covering-old-campaign-motorc-1833442728

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Literary Historians Uncover Collection Of Breezy, Upbeat Edgar Allan Poe Writings Penned After Author Took Up Jogging


BOSTON—In a discovery shedding light on the famous macabre author’s less-acknowledged qualities, literary historians at Harvard University unearthed Wednesday dozens of uplifting poems and breezy short stories written by Edgar Allan Poe later in his life after he got into the habit of jogging. “Poe’s later, much more… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/literary-historians-uncover-collection-of-breezy-upbea-1833436860

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account


WASHINGTON—Vowing to fight tooth and nail against what he called “an insidious smear campaign,” Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) announced Wednesday he was considering filing a defamation lawsuit against his official Twitter account for ruining his reputation. “The figure behind @DevinNunes has disparaged my good name in what… Read more...

Read more at: https://politics.theonion.com/devin-nunes-threatens-defamation-lawsuit-after-reputati-1833444233

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Beto O’Rourke Smashes Records With $6.1 Million In Fundraising


Democratic hopeful Beto O’Rourke raised a record-breaking $6.1 million in the first day of his 2020 run, his campaign announced this week. What do you think? Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/beto-o-rourke-smashes-records-with-6-1-million-in-fund-1833447702

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration


ATHENS, OH—Confessing that he was completely blindsided by the request, parent Erik Schaff said Wednesday that his son Cody, 8, needed a full-body costume and 30 individually wrapped treats by tomorrow morning for some sort of school celebration. “Cody just handed me a note saying that the third grade is holding an… Read more...

Read more at: https://local.theonion.com/son-needs-costume-30-individually-wrapped-treats-tomor-1833437571

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Pros And Cons Of Canceling Student Loan Debt


Student loan debt in the United States has risen to $1.5 trillion owed by tens of millions of people, leading to calls for it to be wiped out, although opponents are concerned about the economic and ethical consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of canceling student loan debt. Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-canceling-student-loan-debt-1833437080

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Facebook: ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’


MENLO PARK, CA—Warning that users who call for the suspension of bigoted accounts might just be afraid of a real debate, Facebook representatives told reporters Tuesday that classifying hate speech can be difficult because some posts actually make very interesting points. “At Facebook, we are committed to combating… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/facebook-identifying-hate-speech-is-difficult-because-1833412940

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia


BURBANK, CA—In an effort to better integrate its values into the heart of its brand, the Walt Disney Company announced Tuesday it had decided to rehire writer–director James Gunn to helm Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 as part of a company-wide push to embrace pedophilia. “Pedophiles have always had an important role… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/disney-rehires-director-james-gunn-as-part-of-company-w-1833413849

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper


LONDON—Bringing an end to years of controversy and legal challenges, Scotland Yard officials announced Tuesday that they had freed 163-year-old British man James Babington Gaskell after DNA evidence found him innocent of murder charges related to notorious serial killer Jack the Ripper. “It’s certainly a gross… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/scotland-yard-frees-163-year-old-british-man-after-dna-1833415869

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants


After a spat of patrons being ejected from restaurants for wearing MAGA hats, a new app named 63red Safe will help users find restaurants that serve patrons of all political beliefs. What do you think? Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/yelp-like-app-helps-trump-supporters-find-maga-friendly-1833416803

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill


CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a landmark discovery that sheds new light on the development of Western thought, historians announced Tuesday they had found several lost Socratic dialogues in which the ancient Greek philosopher simply gives up and screams that his debate opponents are all fucking brainwashed shills. “In these newly… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/historians-uncover-lost-socrates-dialogues-where-he-jus-1833416965

#humor #satire #news #theonion


 

Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting


In the first 24 hours after the attacks, Facebook removed 1.5 million videos of the recent New Zealand terror attacks, 1.2 million of which were blocked immediately at upload to reduce the act’s virality. What do you think? Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/facebook-removes-1-5-million-videos-of-new-zealand-mass-1833418807

#humor #satire #news #theonion